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If I Were A Line by ~dailenna:icondailenna:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Philosophical > Fixed


If I were a line
I think I’d be curled,
billowed and swirled,
and slowly unfurled.
I’d sweep over a page,
if I were a line,
with the wind in my hair,
and my heart laid bare.
That’s what I’d be,
if I were a line.

If I were a spot
I’d be round and fat
(now how about that?)
like an old, well-fed cat.
I’d have drizzled and dropped,
if I were a spot,
pittering and pattering
with a slight hint of smattering.
That’s what I’d be,
if I were a spot.

If I were a colour
I’d be a rich red,
like a painted deathbed
or a sword to the head.
I’d lunge for macabre,
if I were a colour,
made oh-so dramatic,
my thoughts all sporadic.
That’s what I’d be,
if I were a colour.

But I am a human,
so pale and flawed,
and easily bored,
(wishing I was adored).
I twist and bend
(these hinges, you see?);
my shape is no other
than the one I can be;
My colour, it changes
almost constantly,
because I am a human:
a human – that’s me.

…

Although,
If I tried to depict myself
in a shape - or a line -
that would be just fine
(If I could find such a line).
©2008 ~dailenna
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Submitted: February 9
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Comments: 256
Favourites & Collections: 471 [who?]

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Author's Comments

One of those late nght inspirations when I'm supposed to be going to bed . . . since I need to wake up in seven or eight hours I'm going to go start getting ready for bed now D:

My first rhyming poem in ages <3

Thanks *mrsthompson for the help with the 'red' rhymes XD I'm tired and not thinking fast, so it actually helped a fair bit.
Daily Deviation, 2008-06-03

Daily DeviationThe suggestor says, "If I Were A Line by ~dailenna is no children's poem. It deals with hard-to-handle issues in a whimsical, rhyming, fixed form reminiscent of Shel Silverstein or Steven Herrick, but the impact is greater than the sum of its parts. The result: an amazing poetry read." (Suggested by *batousaijin and Featured by ^lovetodeviate)

Devious Comments

love 8 8 joy 3 3 wow 3 3 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0

~scytten:iconscytten: Feb 9, 2008, 7:34:14 AM
cool! you're talented! (i wish i'd be. i suck at writing poems XD)
~hapeechapatti:iconhapeechapatti: Feb 9, 2008, 7:34:37 AM
this cute.. and so true

--
it's not bragging if it's true.
=mrsthompson:iconmrsthompson: Feb 9, 2008, 7:36:55 AM
lovely! It reads very nicely.

--
-Mrs Thompson
~september-song:iconseptember-song: Feb 9, 2008, 2:03:08 PM
Quircky but with a lot of honesty. I like it, especially the spot stanza for some reason; I don't know why that one stands out for me.
Just a suggestion though; I think it might end stonger without that last little stanza. Sometimes we writers have to sacrifice a perfectly good bit of writing for the betterment of the piece as a whole haha. I just think the last bit kind of disrupts the flow of the rest.
~WishIWould:iconWishIWould: Feb 9, 2008, 8:10:34 PM
I am particularly fond of the "line" stanza. :D This is clever in the same way the opening stanzas from Sylvia Plath's "Cut" are, though I'm not sure why the correlation struck me so much.

A couple of things for the nit-picky at heart. :heart:

First, it would be "oh-so-dramatic," with a second dash. Also, in every stanza, the second line has 5 beats, and the beginning of the "human" one has 4 beats - "so pale and flawed." It threw off my inner rhythm. Might you want to add a fifth beat, perhaps with a second "so"? Lastly, the final stanza's lines split kind of oddly, without a rhythm or sense after having a whole poem of steady rhythm. It may make more sense to split it more evenly, perhaps like so: "Although, If I tried/ to depict myself / in a shape or a line" then, continue as you had it.

I really enjoyed this! Something about the line curling and unfurling had such a perfect balance of quirky and graceful that I just needed to favorite this.

--
The very proud beta for *CallistoHime's "Among the Ashes" (a Zelda/Fire Emblem crossover)!
`SkippyJr:iconSkippyJr: Feb 9, 2008, 10:48:52 PM
Very well written,
Good work you got here.
:)

--
aka Tzachi Gvaram
=laurengary:iconlaurengary: Feb 9, 2008, 11:04:02 PM
I thought it was whimsical & charming & yup... I faved it. :)

--
Click To Save Lives !

That was Zen, but this is Tao.

Right now I\\\'m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I\\\'ve forgotten this before !
`vaia:iconvaia: Feb 9, 2008, 11:09:31 PM
Absolutely wonderful :aww:

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Prints | Writing | Stock | Crafts
-----
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~dark-amethyst:icondark-amethyst: Feb 9, 2008, 11:56:01 PM
I really liked this poem. I always think rhyming poems are better than non-rhyming ones, and these rhymes aren't cliche or overused at all (something that's hard to do properly). I also rather like poems that depict someone (namely, yourself) as something very non-human. It's sort of like what I'm doing with my Colors poem series.

As a couple other people said, I thought the final stanza sort of broke the wonderful almost lilting rhythm of the other stanzas. I think it would be perfectly fine if you took away the last stanza completely, because the one before it ends the poem very well.

--
Baby's on the half-tip.
---
I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior. If you do too and aren't scared to admit it, then copy and paste this in your signature.
~dailenna:icondailenna: Feb 9, 2008, 11:56:31 PM
Thank you! I love writing, and poetry just has that lovely undercurrent of metaphor to it that it appeals to my creativity :D

Thanks for the +fave :3

--
No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist - Oscar Wilde
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